fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
