I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
