My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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