Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
