The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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