dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
