When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
zippers are such a cool invention
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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