stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
