When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
