Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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