You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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