He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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