How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Farmville is her only friend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
