just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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