i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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