I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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