I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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