Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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