sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
