Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
