I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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