6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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