You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
