tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
