Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
