I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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