so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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