sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
