So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
