i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
