So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize