I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
