Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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