I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
