He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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