dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just sent this text using only my big toe
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
