you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This baby is an asshole
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
