i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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