Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
