he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
