I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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