I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
