shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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