You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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