she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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