life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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