dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
