If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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