ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
