you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
