I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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