In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
