if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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