I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
