Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
