It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
