I molested 6 butterflies tonight
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
