He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
