i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
