These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize